An Archive of Email Forwards - Ouija Cat '98-'01

If IBM made toasters...
  They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
  submitted for overnight toasting.  IBM would claim a worldwide
  market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...
  You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
  Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
  The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
  The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
  it.  Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
  They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
  Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...
  They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
  styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
  Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
  years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing

If Sun made toasters...
  The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa

Does DEC still make toasters?...
  They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
  They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
  and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...
  You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the
  toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
  You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...
  They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
  single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
  It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
  Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  Their
  service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
  blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
  documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
  Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
  access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
  national security.

If Sony made toasters...
  The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
  of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
  your belt.

If Timex made toasters...
  They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
  take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
  "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
  toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
  Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
  of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...
  They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters...
  Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
  toaster.  You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
  have to pay for it anyway.  Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
  (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
  electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
  your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
  control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
  secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
  them.  Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
  would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their

If Apple made toasters...
  It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years

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