Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
four ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to
move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not
remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete
stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit
with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the
asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the 
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us 
to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, 
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that,sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest 
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and  if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in  public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask,  and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and 
remember,nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."