An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01


 This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who
 received the highest honors at the school district's ebonics
 translation competition.

 Assignment:
 Please translate the following song lyrics from ebonics to standard
 English.

   Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
   Album: Ready to Die
   Song: One more chance (remix)

 First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
 Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
 Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'
 But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
 Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
 Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
 However, I stay coochied down to the socks
 Rings and watch filled with rocks

 As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all
 kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect,
nude magazine models, and whores.  I particularly enjoy sexual encounters
 with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact
 that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of
 course, they douche on a consistent basis.  Although I am  extremely
 unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with
 some regularity.  Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy
and expensive jewelry.

 And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
 Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
 As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
 Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

 I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo.  Apparently, women
 enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me

 driving.  Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American
reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce
 me in their homes.  Their intent is to divest me of my earnings.
Such actions are unacceptable.

 Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it
 Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
 In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
 I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya
 I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya
 Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin

 Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons.
 I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent
 sexual acts.  Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior
 Mafia.  I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to
 approach me.  I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my
 expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will
 approach you.

 First I talk about how I dress and this
 And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses
 The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
 Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
 Climax that your man can't make
 Call and tell him you'll be home real late
 Let's sing the break

 I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe

 and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars.
  This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse
 with me.  I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter
 you from behind.  Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm.  I
 understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner.  He needn't be
 concerned about your whereabouts.  Please phone him and inform him
 that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the
chorus of the song for me also.

 She's sick of that song on how it's so long
 Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
 There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
 Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
 Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me
 True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

 Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications
 about the length of your member.  After I had sexual intercourse with
 your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is
 supposed to be performed; violently and immorally.  It would be in your best
 interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is
 very strong.  If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

 You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
 Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
 Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
 She beeped me, meet me at twelve

 Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with
 bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model
Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle)
 containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has
 contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at
 midnight.

 Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
 While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke
 Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
 Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
 Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
 I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

 You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain
 payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman.
  Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit
lewd osculatory acts with your women.  My only remaining option is to
 request that they leave my home and return to you because I have
 reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.

 So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
 We can cruise the world with pearls
 Gator boots for girls
 The envy of all women, crushed linen
 Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
 The finest women I love with a passion
 Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'

 The ultimate decision rests with you.  Whom do you choose as your
 sexual partner.  I can take you on cruises around the world.  I will
 dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear.  You will be envied by
 women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry.  There is a special
 place in my heart for beautiful women.  I will defeat your man in an
 altercation because he is effeminate.

 High fashion - flyin' into all states
 Sexin' me while your man masturbates
 Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight
 Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds
 Lyrically I'm supposed to represent
 I'm not only the client, I'm the player president

 You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris.  I
will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry.  You
 will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to
 pleasure himself through manual stimulation.  What a life!  I'll
 return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight.  The
 timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman

 who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock.  I'll seduce her in the
 same way that I seduced you.  I rap well and I am a positive
 reflection of my hometown.  Not only am I a sexually deviant,
 misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on
the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my
 kind.


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