To: [email protected]
Subject: the blues

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
>
>                    (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
>                       with help from Uncle Plunky)
>
>    1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
>
>    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
>         blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
          next line.I got a good woman--with the meanest dog in town.
>
>      3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
>         line right, repeat it.  Then find something that
          rhymes. Sort of.
>
>         Got a good woman
>         with the meanest dog in town.
>         He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
>         and he weighs about 500 pounds.
>
>      4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
>
>      5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.
>         Other acceptable blues transportation is
>         Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
>         Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
>         So does fixin' to die.
>
>      6. Teenagers can't sing the blues.
>         Adults sing the blues.
>         Blues adulthood means old enough to get the
>         electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>
>      7. You can have the blues in New York City,
>         but not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in
          Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
>         Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
>         best places to have the blues.
>
>      8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
>         a. violet
>         b. beige
>         c. mauve
>
>      9. You can't have the blues in an office
>         or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
>
>      10. Good places for the Blues:
>         a. the highway
>       y openings
>         c. weekend in the Hamptons
>
>      11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless
>            you happen to be an old black man.
>
>      12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?
>
>         Yes, if:
>         a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
>         b. you're blind
>         c. you shot a man in Memphis.
>         d. you can't be satisfied.
>
>         No, if:
>         a. you were once blind but now can see.
>         b. you're deaf
>         c. you have a trust fund.
>
>      13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
>
>      14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
>
>          Other blues beverages are:
>          a. wine
>          b. Irish whiskey
>          c. muddy water
>
>          Blues beverages are NOT:
>          a. Any mixed drink
>          b. Any wine kosher for Passover
>          c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
>
>
>      15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
>          it's blues death.
>
>         Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a
>          blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
>          substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
>          emergency room.
>
>          It is not a blues death, if you die during a
>          liposuction treatment.
>
>      16. Some Blues names for Women
>         a. Sadie
>         b. Big Mama
>         c. Bessie
>
>      17. Some Blues Names for Men
>
>         a. Joe
>         b. Willie
>         c. Little Willie
>         d. Lightning
>
>         Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be
          permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men
>         they shoot in Memphis.
>
>      17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
>
>           a. Name of Physical infirmity
>              (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
>
>           b. First name (see above) or name of fruit
>              (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
>           c. Last Name of President
>              (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>
>           Mix and Match: Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore