RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

 1. Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger
is involved.

 2. Men who have pierced ears are better
prepared for marriage.     They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.

 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible.  In a world   where there are more
women than men, it pays to recycle.

 4. Men are very confident people.  My husband is
so confident that when   he watches sports on
television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players   from our living room, and if
they're really in trouble, I have to get  off the
phone in case they call him.

 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes
them feel important.

 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper
in the morning.  Not being the first is upsetting to
their psyches.

 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep
with one under my  pillow, instead of a gun.

 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry
cleaner.  These men usually have jobs and bathe.

 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship."  These seven words strike fear in
the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man
has built a fire and the  last log does not burn, he
will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two types:  depressing and more
depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not
nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than
women. If your heating goes  out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously
than men.  I've never seen a man walk into a party
and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here.  There's another man wearing a black
tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's
department is usually on the first floor of a
department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad
contains three or more  types of lettuce, he is
serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be
"Mr. Right," if he  a) got older, b) got a new job, or
c) visited a psychiatrist, you are  in for a nasty
surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary
Grant is on record saying he wished he could be
Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk
about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they
talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women.  No
man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE
WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?
Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"  Most
men are outrospective: "Did my team win?   How's
my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he
didn't forget...   he didn't lose your number... he
didn't die. He just didn't want to  call you.

23. Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at
tennis. I asked him,  "Are we going to have sex
again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each  other."

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his
masculinity is a problem.    "Get out" and "I never
want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love  you... I want to marry you...
I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up
identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad
self-images because they grow up identifying
with Barbie.

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female
menopause.  With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27. Men forget everything; women remember
everything.

28. That's why men need instant replays in sports.
 They've already forgotten what happened.