Some personal ads pulled out of various newspapers...

SWF seeks heavy daddy in big pants.  Must have convenience store
hours and be unafraid to wear jumpsuit. 

Warm and sarcastic guy in late 20's wants to take you to a 
junkyard. 

My dog and I are a lot alike. We're both 35, but look and act
younger.  We're both fit and trim, have dark hair and eyes, 
we're handsome, funny, intelligent and like all foods.  I don't 
hump my pillow. 

Single white male, early 30's, Bay Area native, fit, kind, nice
looking, liberal professional.  Seeking an imperfect, 
intelligent, thin female who, like me, has baggage that is small 
enough to fit under one's seat. 

234 yr. old Italian male seeking gorgeous Italian female, 18-24,
for romantic dinners, walks & 4-wheel fun. 

Girls ever wish you could pee standing up?  Stop squatting in
the woods, start using urinals.  My ex-girlfriend showed me.  I 
can teach you. Individual or group lessons available.   

Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a
pretty face?  He's a man who will treat you well regardless of 
your personality. 

SBM is looking for a man who likes to let her toenails grow. 
Marriage is desired. 

Baby Maker - To women who want babies. I, handsome, WM, will
inseminate the natural way. 

If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red
head/brunette, I'm your man. ----Clinton?

Seeking sex-loathing insecure woman, terrified of her own body, 
completely asexual, humorless, narcissistic, for boring 
conversation, bloody steak dinners, unfiltered Camel smoking 
marathons, insensitive encounters. Seeker: clitoral-ignorant 
impotent male. 

Do you like claustrophobic spaces?  Anti-social young woman
seeks someone who hates the light of day.  Smokers and drug 
takers preferred. No vegetarians. I'm mean, nasty and give as 
good as I get.  Any takers?