How to Break Up with a Woman

by Dino Londis

     Before we get into the "how to" of breaking up with a woman, we must first define her. 
"Woman" is taken from the composite of two root words. "Wo" from the Old English 
"Woe," meaning deep sorrow, grief, misfortune, and calamity. And "man," as in "Man, 
I'm gonna kill her." The American Heritage Dictionary, defines "woman" as: 1. An adult, 
female human being. 2. Women collectively; womankind. 3. Feminine quality or aspect; 
womanliness. 4. A female servant. 5. A mistress; paramour.

     Okay, stop staring at 4 and 5; it's an old dictionary. Don't get me wrong. I love women. 
Well, it's not so much that I love them as that I love the concept of them. They're good on 
paper. They don't work so well in practice. Dr. John Grey wrote the best-seller, Men are 
From Mars, Women are from Venus. His theory is that men and women are inherently 
different and that they need to understand this in order to get along. I'm writing a similar 
book. Mine is called, "Men are From Mars, Women are from Hell." It's basically the 
same theory, though I prove that women are actually a product of the devil.

"Love" and Other Four Letter Words

     This is a true story. I had been dating a woman for about six months and had carefully 
avoided using the word "love." We both knew it. One morning, after we had spent a 
lovely weekend getaway at a bed & breakfast in Northern California, I pulled the 
curtains open to see the most beautiful scenic view of the Pacific Ocean on the Carmel 
coastline.

     "I love a view," I said.
     "I love you too, " she said and rolled over.

At that moment I knew it was over.

How do You Know She Loves You? 

     Good question. Here are three tell-tale signs you know the woman
you are dating loves you:

     You had sex with her.
     She spends all your time together trying to change you.
     She doesn't say, "I love you." Women don't say it when they do,
as frequently as men say it
     when they don't.

The Five Stages of Breaking Up

     Rather than doing it in one swift painless blow, I've dragged it out into five distinct and 
unavoidable steps:

1. Contemplation: It usually occurs right after sex. Don't go with this immediate urge. Now 
is not the time. It's chemical. Just roll over and go to sleep like you always have.

2. Contemplate it some more: Run it by your friends. You know... those guys you blew off 
when you started seeing her.

3. Joke about it: Make your moments with her uncomfortable and pressured.

4 Just do it: (I would explain how, but that is beyond scope of this article.) Oh, one way is 
to get her drunk. You did it when you first slept with her. Now do it to break up with her. 
Trust me, it's the best way. Besides, while she's drunk, you can sleep with her one last 
time. But get out before she sobers up. That's how you got into the relationship to begin 
with.

5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped calling her, doesn't mean you have to stop 
seeing her. Many questions need to be answered, like: Who is she going out with now? 
Is she miserable now that you 're gone? Oh God, she's not fu--ing him, is she? This 
includes calling and hanging up, and calling and crying. That is when you say, "I love 
you."

Beating Her to the Punch

     There are two ways of beating her to the punch. The first way is to break up with her 
before she does it to you. And the second way is to literally punch her, because she's 
pissed.

Other Ways

     Take her to dinner. Maybe the restaurant where you first took her. This way the thing 
goes full circle, like a ring. (Try to get that back, too.) Sit at exactly the same table, order 
the same thing, then ask the waitress out. It's that simple. That's the sensitive way. 
Sensitivity is very popular lately. We no longer end it over the phone or on the 
answering machine. Today we talk it to death, then see each other's therapist.

     There's the, I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating approach, which only works if 
you're dating an idiot.

     And finally, you could write an article about it and have her proofread it. That's what I 
did.