LET'S WORK
OUT
For my birthday
this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at a local
health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea
to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said
she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something
of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed
me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just
standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from
holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.This is going
to be GREAT!
Day2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into
the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! I found
out I don't like lifting weights...(they're too heavy.) Legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her
smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles all feel great!
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain
that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK
as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.
Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering
the other club memebers. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obslete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told
me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything
worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long
just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason.
I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment
she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of
my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought
it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news
for you, Tanya - I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want
dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept
responsibility for the damage; YOU went to sadist school-----you
are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher,
which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
for a root canal.
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