An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01

The Baby Photographer

The British Government's policy of socialised medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a
government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating
the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings
the bell...

Ms Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. You'll be reassured to know that I've made a
           specialty of babies, especially twins."

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
           a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the
           right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
           the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
           floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry
           and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime, but if
           we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
           sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card
           says, "I aim to please.'"

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time.
           I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
           with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this
          picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
          London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned
           out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
           difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to
           get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible
           conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
           to get a good look."

Ms Smith: "A good look?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited
           she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I
           couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to
           restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to
           rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I
           just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a
           pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now
           take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big
           department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can
           get to work."

Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much
           too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?
           ... Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"

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