1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY- If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates 'how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.
19. When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is
a valuable plant.
20. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
21. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
22. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
23. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
24. There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
25. Life is sexually transmitted.
26. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
27. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said "Quit while you're ahead"?
28. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
29. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was
H20 was H2SO4.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
33. Jury-Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
34. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
35. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
36. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
37. Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loved. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
38. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.