If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and 
yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Born again pagan.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Cats... the other white meat.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic 
particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.