Supposedly heard on planes...

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...  Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."


Supposedly heard at theme parks...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Six Flags Magic Mountain. Please do not
smoke on this tram.  The tram runs on propane, and lighting up may cause
spontaneous combustion.  In other words, the tram might explode.  Please
note, there are no refunds of parking fees. Thank you, and enjoy your
stay at Six Flags Magic Mountain."