An Archive of Email Forwards - Ouija Cat '98-'01

PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that 
should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several 
days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good 
money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as 
they tend
 to alter the taste of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A 
cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal 
and save
hours.  It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy 
when using
 this method.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup 
and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.  If 
drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers 
covering
the label.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service.   After 
all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything 
prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how 
good
his manners are.
Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where 
the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the 
decency to
leave them alone  for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 
first date.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers 
that were
stolen from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been 
wanting to  go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom 
wall two
years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. 
Some will say
"10:00."  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the 
answer, it's
the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom 
wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end 
in
frustration.
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad 
for your
reputation.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up 
immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests 
have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Not if you are the 
groom.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot 
it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost 
effective but  also
a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a 
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. 
Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special 
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the 
gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the 
largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is 
impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially 
when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids 
can fit  in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press 
charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's 
car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, 
it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, 
especially
if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the 
sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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