Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
to alter the taste of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how
his manners are.
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the
leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers
stolen from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say
"10:00." Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
they can't hear you.
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost
effective but also
a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids
can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.