An Archive of Email Forwards - Ouija Cat '98-'01

..Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
..And What Was Plan B?
 An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
 The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his
own bank accounts...
 ...Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the
 Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a
blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.  "This is
even worse than last year," said  the distraught homeowner, "when
someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
 ... And for the Main Course...
 A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after
swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad
..The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked
for all the money  in the cash drawer. Apparently,  the take was too
small, so he tied up the  store clerk and worked the counter himself
for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
..Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from  his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him
find his brain, which he claimed had  been stolen. Police were
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull
a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and
find the missing brain.
..Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were
told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of
ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis
to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious
canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the  moon also available.
"Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with
over six million dollars...
 ...Too Well-Educated
 In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
blamed his
 college degree for his murder of three people. "There are
too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened..."
 ...Did I Say That?!
 Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup.When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
 ...Ouch, That Smarts!
 A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when
a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in  his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the
front of his pants as he was running out  the door.
 "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police
spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place  inside his
pants."Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
 ...Are We Not Communicating?
 A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.

"This is her husband!"
 ...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
 In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

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