An Archive of Email Forwards - Ouija Cat '98-'01

Aphorisms

1.  I think animal testing is a terrible idea;  they get all nervous and
    give the wrong answers.    -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2.  A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3.  The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
    involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The
    hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
      1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3.feeding; and  4. mating.
             -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

4.  What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the
    unfit, to do the unnecessary.    -- Richard Harkness,
    The New York Times, 1960

5.  Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
    the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

6.  With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
    miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
    and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
    is no such thing as progress.  -- Ransom K. Ferm

7.  Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

8.  Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
    pound in the correct screw.

9.  The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
     The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
     The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
     cost?"
     The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
     with that?"

10.  Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
     and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
     some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
     -- Dave Barry

11.  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;  I am a vegetarian
     because I hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown

12.  A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
     rearranging their prejudices.  -- William James

13.  Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
     hurtling down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

14.  We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
     that is in it - and stop there;  lest we be like the cat that sits
     down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot
     stove-lid again---and that is well;  but also she will never sit
     down on a cold one anymore.    -- Mark Twain

15.  There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in
     the streets?
     -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16.  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
     infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
     even considering if there are men on base.
      -- Dave Barry

17.  I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
     for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers
     -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from
     physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at
     fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times
     (Limerick, Ireland)

18.  When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

19.  Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your
     triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
     Chinese couldn't care less.

20.  668: The Neighbor of the Beast

21.  Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
     straps.  -- Emo Phillips

22.  Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

23.  Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
     mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

24.  Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
     from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
     apparent disinclination to do so.
     -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

25.  As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
     important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
     me so much money.  What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

26.  When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
     a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God
     of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
     believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp

27.  Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two
     nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
     rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary

28.  I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired
     of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
     country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm
     sick and tired of being told that I am!  -- Monty Python

29.  May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
     -- George Carlin

30.  Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31.  Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
     revolution inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

32.  Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
     which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

33.  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

34.  Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35.  Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

36.  Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
     that way.

37.  Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
     think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
       1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
       2. Advising the President.
       3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
                 --David Letterman

38.  Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
     Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
     Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
     your principles or your mistress."

39.  For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
     but phone calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

40.  I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
     Unless we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

41.  My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
     then I realized that I had no character.
      -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
     "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42.  The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
     A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
     invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
     language.  -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

43.  A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
     least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's
     left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS
     magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 44.  An
     Animated Cartoon Theology:
       1. People are animals.
       2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
       3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
       4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
          bombed, and plucked for music.
       5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
          their own cunning.
       6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
          by their own momentum.
       7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
          supports us.
                 -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

45.  Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
     Congress.  But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

46.  Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
     don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
     world.
     Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47.  On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor
     Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To
     which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
     grade the University will allow me to award."

48.  The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average
     (mean) number of legs.  -- E. Grebenik

49.  Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three
     sides."

50.  Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
     you.  -- Old Farmer's Almanac

51.  G:   "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
     EB:  "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
           and scatter oneself over a wide area."
           -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52.  The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
      -- Plutarch

53.  Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
     wrong?"  Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
     one night."
        -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

54.  The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
     -- Salvador Dali

55.  What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
     intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average
     adult.    -- Sigmund Freud

56.  I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
     but they've always worked for me.  -- Hunter S. Thompson

57.  Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain

58.  "Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

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