1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom
that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits
down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot
stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit
down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers
-- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from
physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at
fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps. -- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God
of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name.
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable
language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS
magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 44. An
Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
grade the University will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average
(mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three
50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average
adult. -- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog