Subject: the 80's...
You might be a child of the 80's if...
you have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never
met in real life before
you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song
not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention
you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form,
you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade, and people's sexual
the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories
you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called
songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day
three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't
an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your
you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the
you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe
and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market
a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"
you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that
you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid,
meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all
you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood
photos, and they still look bad
while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to
get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over
and over again
you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was
one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert
Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing anyway?"
you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were
probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the
name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone"
you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end
of the world as we know it"
you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the
back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it
really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse
you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"
you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really
understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at
you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases
- "When I was younger"
- "When I was your age"
- "You know, back when..."
- "Because I SAID so, that's why"
- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000
selections to choose from
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English
Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you
off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am"
you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and
you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy
flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and
you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote
for Gary Hart
you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran,
Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video
at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to
one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm
"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first
heard it at a school dance
the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for
You" by Madonna
there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the
names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter"
you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons
you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on
Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions
seemed rational to you at the time
you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and
made your old big wheel quite obsolete
the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter
you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just
so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake
honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly
get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the
Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands
you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a
moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked
(guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha
Brady,Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there,
Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats
(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's
photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to
the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo
you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party
you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going
into denial about it's possibility
you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a
hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there...and gee, is that a
suede bag...those shoes leather, too?"
you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's
those people over 40 you have to look out for
you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age
category on most questionnaires
you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially
inappropriate for you to date due to their age
your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only
be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"
this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the
creatures are WAY cool.
Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you
are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are
cool, and you want one of every collectible out there.
Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot
get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You
fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for
them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads
all over your walls and lockers at school.
you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth"
started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last
five years, okay?
you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe
having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all
you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major
you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first
name basis because "there's too many kids there"
going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the
cops show up
you're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just
from parents, but now from friends that are married
you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used
on MTV any more
(mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and
you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's
nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first
you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now
you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation
When somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme
is stuck in your head for hours on end
you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first
you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder
Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man
you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)
you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"
you're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was
pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
you know who shot J.R.
this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."