Subject: Heaven Un'Earthed

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had 
had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 
year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to 
God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. 
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," 
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, 
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of 
this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth 
Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to 
expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments 
may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered 
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know 
only as the Wise Men. Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels 
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with 
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, 
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence 
of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has 
already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number 
of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, 
as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and 
Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether 
the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish 
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow 
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter 
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God 
recently outlined a  "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. 
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are 
planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an 
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.