Subject:	Fwd: First Mass Pointers

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he could hardly
speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor
how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it might help if you 
put Martinis in the water pitcher." The next week the young priest put his
elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the
sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor
replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you
address the Congregation again."

1.	Next time, when drinking the martinis, sip them rather than down them
         glassful by glassful.

2.	There are 10 Commandments not 12.

3.	There are 12 Disciples not 10.

4.	David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the crap out of him.

5.	We do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as the
         "Late J.C. and the Boys."

6.	Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
         peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7.	We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

8.	The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, 
        Junior, and the Spook."

9.	...... and last but NOT least, when you leave the alter, walk down the 
         steps, don't slide down the rail.

Remember these pointers and I'm sure things will improve.