Christnukah
Continuing the
current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced
today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for
about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While
details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days
of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining
forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christnukah, as
the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters
on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a much wider audience. Also, instead
of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous
stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will
be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking
points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and
cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough
came last year, when Oreo cookies were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman
for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa
might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were
it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering
of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa
will help to maintain the competitive balance. Plus, polling data
show that of 100,000 international people surveyed 99% didn't know
or even care what Kwanzaa is. He then closed the press conference
by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vay,All
Ye Faithful."
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