You know you drink too much coffee when...
 
 * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 
 * You ski uphill. 
 * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 
 * You speed walk in your sleep. 
 * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are 
good in the sack." 
 * You answer the door before people knock. 
 * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 
 * You just completed another sweater and you don't know
   how to knit. 
 * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 
 * You sleep with your eyes open. 
 * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. 
 * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. 
 * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away 
   without using the timer. 
 * You lick your coffeepot clean. 
 * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." 
 * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse 
   and you don't even work there. 
 * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. 
 * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
 * You chew on other people's fingernails. 
 * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
 * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
   margaritas. 
 * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. 
 * You can jump-start your car without cables. 
 * Cocaine is a downer. 
 * All your kids are named "Joe." 
 * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. 
 * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 
 * You don't sweat, you percolate. 
 * You buy milk by the barrel. 
 * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. 
 * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 
 * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
   it's not plugged in. 
 * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 
 * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic 
   stirrers. 
 * People get dizzy just watching you. 
 * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it 
   up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." 
 * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. 
 * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 
 * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 
 * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava 
   lamp. 
 * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. 
 * People can test their batteries in your ears. 
 * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." 
 * Instant coffee takes too long. 
 * You channel surf faster without a remote. 
 * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to 
   the last drop." 
 * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest 
   of eternity in a coffee can. 
 * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. 
 * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 
 * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. 
 * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the 
   coffee. 
 * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean 
   beer. 
 * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." 
 * You get drunk just so you can sober up. 
 * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. 
 * Your Thermos is on wheels. 
 * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 
 * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
 * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 
 * You short out motion detectors. 
 * You have a conniption over spilled milk. 
 * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 
 * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. 
 * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 
 * You don't tan, you roast. 
 * You don't get mad, you get steamed. 
 * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and 
   coffee after. 
 * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass 
   of iced coffee to get you in the mood. 
 * You can't even remember your second cup. 
 * You help your dog chase its tail. 
 * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 
 * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 
 * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." 
 * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 
 * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an 
   I.V. hookup.
 
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