An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01

The Shit List
  
The Ghost Shit-
   The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit-
   The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but theres no shit on the toilet paper.
  
The Wet Shit-
   You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between 
   your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
  
The Wet Cheeks Shit-
   That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet 
   water, or splash-back.

The Liquid Shit-
   That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse, splatters all over the inside 
   of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning your tender anus.
  
The Mexican Food Shit-
   In a class of it's own.
  
The Second Wave Shit-
   This shit happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly 
   realize you have to shit some more.
  
The Brain Haemorrahagethroughyournose Shit-
   You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
   practically have a stroke.
  
The Corn Shit-
   No explanation necessary.
  
The Lincoln Log Shit-
   The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
   without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Notorius Drinker Shit-
   The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is 
   the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
  
The 'Gee-I-really-wish-I-could' Shit-
   The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on 
   the toilet, cramped and farting.
   
The Power Dump Shit-
   The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

The Liquid Plumber Shit-
   This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should 
   have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.
  
The Spinal Tap Shit-
   The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
  
The 'I-think-I'm-giving-birth-through-my-asshole' Shit-
   Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall 
   boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Shit-
   The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: 
   (a) flush and keep going, or
   (b) risk it pilling up to your butt while you sit there, helpless.
  
The 'I'm-going-to-chew-my-food-better' Shit-
   When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in 
   the morning.
  
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Shit-
   When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds 
   when they hit the water.
  
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Shit-
   Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous 
   bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run 
   out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
  
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Shit-
   Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

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