> Cynics Guide to Life
> 
> 
>   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
>   leaky tire.
>  
>   I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
>   foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts
>   and...
>  
>   Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
>   underwear during a fire drill.
>  
>   Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
>   you'll inhale a bee.
>  
>   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
>   for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me
>   alone.
>  
>   If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
>   road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
>  
>   If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
>   gets the message across like a good mooning.
>  
>   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
> dog
>   run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>  
>   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
>   neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>  
>   A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
>   way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and
>   run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
>  
>   Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
>   the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
>   "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"
>   group.
>  
>   Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows
> are down.
>  
>   Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess
>   on the neighbor's car!
>  
>   When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
> remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an
> Indian burn.
>  
>   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
>   blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay
> over.
>  
>   It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
>  
>   Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
>   wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
>  
>   This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
>  
>   Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to
>   get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
>