An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01

                        THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:

   * On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're
     lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the
     mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your
     pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.

   * But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...
     because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for
     the third time.

   * Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on
     both sides....It's all about who's out in front.

   * Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit
     you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car
     won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked
     ring. Have you checked the compression?"

   * A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something
     as simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple
     as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical 
     engineer.

   * Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a
     particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that
     Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."

   * Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are
     like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.

   * There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control
     handy...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials
     like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

   * If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath
     towel....It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel
     around with your feet.

   * Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like
     "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is
     that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a
     date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that 
     this means you value his friendship
     .
   * If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that
     it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil
     Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach, when you said
     I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases
     loaded, it made me feel small and sad."

   * Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological
     sex life to another guy...unless the guy is a urologist.

   * A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or
     wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart.
     Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from
     Ping- Pong to chess... Having met these requirements, he should be
     liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

   * If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being
     used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed,
     maintain proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the
     urinal.... Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just
     stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the 
     guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush
     the toilet and walk away.

   * When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands
     when you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub
     your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

   * If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might
     be)....Maybe you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies
     want to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and groan through the
     zero-Gs or you'll never hear the end of it.

   * Ingore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports,
     "Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance
     Ann-Margret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was,
     ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned.'"

   * Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other
     guys...That's between you, your six- pack and your collection of
     Frank Sinatra records.

   * Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like
     saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak
     spots in it-- here and here."

   * If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben &
     Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running
     shoes and pound those calories into submission.

   * Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor 
     a  Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a
     gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally
     act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

   * If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of
     Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on
     Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter
     appreciative comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're
     alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

   * When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's
     lingerie department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace
     panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

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