An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Groceries

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

Magazines

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies.

This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.

No one knows why this happens.

Locker Rooms

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry

Women do the laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

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