An Archive of Email Forwards - ©Ouija Cat '98-'01

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM
             
Many women are afraid of their first
mammogram, but there is no need
to worry.  By taking a few minutes each
day for the week preceding the
exam and doing the following practice
exercises, you will be totally
prepared for the best.  And, best of all,
you can do these simple practice
exercises right in your own home.

Exercise #1:  Freeze two metal bookends
overnight.  Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.  Press
the bookends against one of
your breasts.  Smash the bookends together
as hard as you can.  Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next
year and do it again.

Exercise #2:  Open your refrigerator door
and insert one breast between
the door and the main box.  Have one of
your strongest friends slam
the door shut as hard as possible and lean
on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. 
Repeat again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise #3:  Visit our garage at three in
the morning when the
temperature of the cement floor is just
perfect.  Take off all your
warm clothes and lay comfortable on the
floor with one breast wedged
under the rear tire of the car.  Ask a
friend to slowly back the car up
until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Congratulations!  Now you are properly
prepared for your next
mammogram.

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