Subject:	FW: Thoughts of the Day...LOL

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what  that stuff was for. 
Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but
it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. 
They use words like  'Cripes.'  For Cripe's sake. Who would that be,
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'.  I'm not
making fun of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning.  The men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, 'how can he want  me the way I look in the morning?' 
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?'  I always feel awkward reaching
over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach.  I
don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't
be long now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'.  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? 
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it  ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of  your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death.  What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of  the way. Then you live in an old age 
home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you got to work. You work forty  years until you're young enough to enjoy
your  retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house] I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals.  I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity.  And if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards
for commercials.  The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know".  It costs
90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't  know."  "Honey,
I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T
KNOW!  (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for
what you believe you're not sure about."  This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' 
Beep."  "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of  being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."