ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
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"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up and down.  I like doing it left
to right, real slowly.  So leave us a message.  When we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is
why we're not here.  So leave a message at the beep."

"Hi.  This is John.  If you're the phone company, I already
sent the money.  If you're my parents, please send money.
If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money.  If you're my friends, you owe me money.  If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

A narrator's voice)
"There Dale sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the
telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it,
his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it
in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.  The bell
hath sounded.  Thou must leaveth a message."

"Hi.  Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead.  Wait for the beep."

"Hello..  I am David's answering machine.  What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
"He-lo!  This is Sa-to.  If you leave message, I call you soon.
If you leave SEXY message, I call sooner!"

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine
just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking
her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of
receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They
give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine...this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like.  Leave me a message.  If I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I
call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave
us a message."

"You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You
feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you
hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and
stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will
be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation.  However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you."

"Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to
remain silent.  Everything you say will be recorded and
will be used by us for profit."