An Uplifting Archive -
Ouija Cat 2002

Erma Bombeck's 10 Rules To Live By

1. Never have more children than you have car windows.

2. Gravity always wins. Accept that. Science is trying to reverse the aging process; the kicker is that you look young on the outside, but inside you're still aging. There is no advantage to looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the beach if you can't travel two feet away from a restroom.

3. Never loan your car to someone to whom you have given birth.

4. Pick your friends carefully. A "friend" never goes on a diet when you are fat or tells you how lucky you are to have a husband who remembers Mother's Day - when his gift is a smoke alarm.

5. Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.

6. Given a choice between the man of your dreams and a plumber, choose the latter. Men who can fix your toilet on Sundays are hard to come by.

7. Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.

8. Don't be too quick to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman someday to finish a sentence.

9. There are no guarantees in marriage. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a Sears battery.

10. Never go to a class reunion pregnant. They will think that's all you have been doing since you graduated.

Medical Humor